People say “be yourself.” What if there’s a part of you that might be a problem? I’m not talking about physical things. I’m not talking about being fat or dark-skinned or whatever society has taught you to hate about yourself. I’m talking about something wrong with your mind. What if the motives that make you get out of bed every morning are bad? What if you want the wrong things out of life?
What I want out of life is a fortified compound somewhere pretty, a paramilitary org made of misfits and former homeless guys, a fleet of old Soviet BMPs1 I bought used from some downsizing second-world military, sex with that one Russian porn star I like,2 a media channel with millions of loyal viewers, the President of France and the leaders of the Iranian political opposition on speed-dial, some kind of Operation that’s just challenging enough to be entertaining, a labor union that’s willing to help me out, multiple shell corporations, some real corporations, and a mandate from a government that makes this all look legit.
That’s what I want.
I know this is destructive. The world doesn’t need more shell corporations and it doesn’t need more men treating women as video game achievements on their path to wealth and power. It certainly doesn’t need more paramilitaries.
And yet I still want it.
These are things teenage boys want. Adult men want families, tranquility, and to contribute to the well-being of others. If you’re really irresponsible you can go kickbox or climb mountains. You can also skip the family and devote yourself to art if you want to. It’s not that you don’t have options. It’s just that they’re not destructive or self-aggrandizing options. Even the subcultures that scare a lot of people, like anarchists or crustpunks, are mostly just fighting for a non-hierarchical society. I’ve met people from weird scenes, and they tend to be better people than I am. The assholes among them are assholes a petty, interpersonal level.
That’s not what I’m here for. I want to test my wits against people who could genuinely hurt me. I want to poke all the hornets’ nests. I want to play the stupidest games and win the stupidest prizes.
That’s the problem. It’s all fucking stupid. Guys who want that shit hurt people, and a lot of them die young.
The problem is that I’m in the first half of my twenties. I’m self-aware enough to know none of this shit will take me to a good end, but I’m not mature enough for that to stop me wanting it. I occasionally feel the inklings of a desire to raise a child, but I know my urge to make trouble prevents me from being a responsible parent or husband.
Do I keep trying to do things I’m pretty sure’ll make the world a worse place because I enjoy trying, or do I set myself to becoming someone else, even though I hate that idea?
The worst part is the sinking feeling I have that in a few years I’ll grow out of this mindset and none of this will’ve mattered. I’ll just accept the way things are or become an activist.
I wish I could swing this desire around towards good, but I think a militia you fund with a crypto rug-pull inherently causes more problems than it solves.
People talk about radical self-acceptance, but I don’t think this is the kind of self-acceptance they want.